atlanta – Myalogy

Atlanta: The Cleland Notes

zyansaeed615 / January 9, 2017

Hey Golden Globe Watcher! It is your time of year! When all the awards shows tell you what you should be consuming creatively that you were just too lame to seek out on your own or jump on the bandwagon of when the rest of us cool kids told you to. (Lean in: listen to The Internet, NOW.) You have watched the Globes, saw the brown suit, heard the Migos shout, and his gratitude to the Black People of Atlanta not to be confused with the black people of Atlanta and you wanna be down. Cool. Now, the GG’s just aired last night, and unless you are a super geek, you haven’t had time to binge watch. And if you have had time, you need to get a real job. Anyhoots, if you wanna impress your white co-workers or your friends on the block who you wanna seem cooler than, buckle up buttercup. Drop these lines and people will think you are an influencer. Now, as I titled this, these are the Cleland notes of the show. You still need to watch. Drop these obscure dimes, follow up with “I love that show” and get the fuck out the breakroom and away from the watercooler. Say this about: Ep1/2 (aired together): The Big Bang/Streets on Lock “But why this muthafucka ask to measure Earn’s dad’s tree? HE CRAZY! This ep established the wonderfully odd LaKeith Stanfield’s Darius. He does other shit, like have dejavu about a dog. Introduce himself to Earn right after introducing himself to Earn and other assorted shit. But I have never in life heard someone ask someone to measure their tree. His disappointment at not being able to do so is super endearing. “Did they subtitle ol boy in the jail, tho? Leben Years!” Two of the crew finds themselves in jail. A native Atlien explains why he landed there, which was subtitled for folks that have not spent years of their life in Atlanta. I knew what he was saying, cuz AUC ALUM, but it took some time before I developed an ear for that twang. Ep3 Go For Broke “I wish a muthafucka would tell me I cant order a kids meal.” Earn and the fast food employee chick that gave the School Daze crew a hard time at the KFC round Mission College (a real location) had a back and forth because his financially challenged ass couldnt afford an adult meal, but wanted a kids meal instead. She was having none of it, cuz “she dont see no kids.” “That date? THURGOOOOOOOOOOD.” Earn takes his baby momma out on a date he cant afford, nor pay for in a scene right out of Half Baked. If you dont know what “Thurgood” nor “Half Baked” refer to, just stop reading this. This show is not for you. This blog is not for you. Ep4 The Streisand Effect “Thats the lil boy from Instagram! I love they using real Atlantans on this show!” Bankroll PJ is a lil precocious kid from Atlanta, who is the type of kid you forget is a kid. My intro to him was a short vid where he says “We be flexin….” Well, flex on playa…just keep them grades up like ya mama says you do. “We’re friends now? Tears” This one is specifically for the ladies, cuz the dudes cant be “tears”-ing over other dudes. After some straight madcap hijinx to raise Earn some money…..Darius utters the phrase to him and Darius officially has our hearts. Ep5 Nobody Beats the Biebs “White people dont play bout them dogs.” In this ep, there is a black Justin Bieber, a white lady that cant tell black folks apart – even the ones that have wronged her, and enough niggas for a tarantino script, but Darius’ visit to the gun range with a dog shaped target……yall know you cant shoot no dogs. Ep6 Value “That bitch reminds me so much of <insert frenemy name>” Van has dinner with Jayde, an old friend who we all have and let remain in our lives way past their expiration date. Man or woman, we all know a bitch like Jayde. “Van, just have the baby pee in a cup.” That one is for all my upwardly mobile reefah tokers. Ep7 B.A.N. “The Black N Mild Commercial!” This episode is so chock filled with greatness, its hard to parse out just one thing about it, but remember, you havent seen the show, so you gotta get in and get out. This one line should do the trick. Its straight forward, no guesses – there is a commercial bout a Black N Mild. Ep8 The Club “Was that the invisible car they was talmbout?!!!” You gotta say this one excitedly, as this was for the true Atlanta A1 Day1 Peace up Atown down fans…..there was a mention of an invisible car in an earlier ep, which appeared in this ep…or did it? Ep9 Juneteenth “40 acres and a Moscow Mule.” A drink served at the Juneteenth celebration held in the home of a man that is every white person you know that wants to show you that black lives matter, especially the black life with whom he sleeps. Ep10 The Jacket “He slept in a storage locker, just like Hannah did on Girls! You know he was on Girls right?” This will either make you sound like the coolest most aware black person alive or the lamest for watching Girls. Its a tricky one, but it will show you are a true Donald Glover fan. Now, go be great…… …..and fuckin watch the show for Chrissakes. Fave moments and lines? Hit them comments!

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A Study in Black and White

zyansaeed615 / July 18, 2016

Myalogist! Ive been unable to can the last couple of weeks with all the goings on and I could talk about them, but I wont, at least not for now. My personal Clive Davis (with me being his sans-crack still alive Whitney) has told me that he would like to reboot this blogsite you, my momma and my cousins read and it got me to thinking that I should write more frequently or at the very least get my co-conspirators to do so…Tone, Big, Tray? #nopressure and #allthepressure. Anyhoots, so imma try to be more faithful to this thing that I hope will break the chains of employment for me. I wont announce any future plans for this space, cuz I likely wont follow thru on them, so for now, just enjoy what you will read today. Today, I will be sharing with you the blackest and whitest things I have seen since we last communed. This will not contain any triggers, but may make you shake your head at your cousins and whatever word my white friends use for their segment of their population who makes them feel great shame and righteous indignation, and no, im not talk bout the poLIcE sillies! THE BLACK BLACKITY BLACKEST OF THEM ALL THIS WEEK: I wish this was a joke. I saw this on Revolt, a station I love because it simulcasts The Breakfast Club starring CHARLAMAGNE MY GOD and two very average yellow people and it introduces me to tons of new music. (lurve that song, makes me happy) Apparently there was a one day pop up photo exhibit in my second home of Atlanta, assembled to celebrate the artistry and influence of………………………Gucci Mane. GUCCI. MANE. This exhibit is the labor of love of one Mr. Cameron Kirkland better known as CAM KIRK. Cam is a proud Morehouse graduate who went on to make a mark in the hip hop scene in ATL as an unofficial, then official photog. He’s worked with a lot of folks, yall. But apparently none more influential as Gucci. Yep….as the opening narration tells us, over a dramatic operatic original score, Cam feels that Gucci is a myth, an icon, and a legend whose influence was much needed in the world at large. Now, I am a pretty well rounded forty year old black chick, who spent a great chunk of her formative years in Atlanta, and I for the life of me, cannot figure out how I missed this information. Maybe you missed it too. That would make me feel less, something. Myth, icon, legend. Got it. Let’s keep this information in mind as we move thru the rest of this piece. The purpose of this exhibit, per Cam, is to provide the vaunted “CULTURE” with something they could touch, see, taste and even smell; a once in a lifetime experience in which he will bring the FANTASY of the trap god to life. He’s created an environment in which you can admire and idolize the trap god lifestyle. (These his words yall; not mine.) Walk with me…lets see if he accomplished what he set out to do. Let’s see how inspiring this is. Let’s see what THE CULTURE BENEFITS. Have these images left you feeling sad that you missed the exhibit? Are you verklempt over not seeing this groundbreaking contribution to THE CULTURE? Have you felt like you saw all of this shit in every rap video ever made since the creation of gangsta rap? Well depending on your answers you can either shake your head at the niggatry or click here to see the full trailer of the blackest thing you will see this week. THE WHITEST THING YOU WILL SEE THIS WEEK. This is Paul Ryan, speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States of America, posing with Capitol Hill interns, in the melting pot of the world. This is the whitest thing I’ve seen this week, and I went to a “Carribbean Fest” in Tinley Park, Illinois that had no jerk food, no steel drums, no reggae, but did have pizza, brats, tamales, people wearing lei’s cuz apparently the hawaii is the carribbean, all set to the festive music of Robert Van Winkle and whoever sings “Pump Up The Jam” – this pic still wins.

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Just Cuz You Got Miseducated…..

zyansaeed615 / May 10, 2016

I don’t really care about Nas. Wu-Tang neither. HATE KRS-ONE. Hate him. I stopped being friends with a person that MADE me watch The Matrix more than one time. Game of Thrones mania escapes me. Does anything different actually happen on the Walking Dead – aside from Run, Kill, Survive, Get eaten? So Chipotle IS worth getting sick and possibly dying for? Mkkkkkay. A lot of shit people think is great; I just don’t really care about or find it horrible. But, one of my closest friends in the world is a SUPER NAS fan, SUPER. We spent many workdays in his office discussing the GOAT’s identity. There is an obvious answer, but I don’t feel like fucking any of you up right now, so, I’m gonna digress. Again, my boy was a Nas fan, and had been a really great friend to me, so when his birthday rolled around and Nas was gonna be in town, there was only one thing to do. Excitedly (I love buying gifts/surprising folks) I went to the Ticketmaster……and saw who was gonna be there with him: The Artist Formerly Known as “This Chick is Doper than Ladybug.” Lboogie what dey call her. I was not pleased. I’m not gonna act like Lauryn changed my life in any MAJOR way. I came of age a little before her time and Mary had already laid claim to my maturation. Blunted on Reality and The Score were really dope albums. “Some Seek Stardom” WAS MY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT. Rewound, yes kids, the hell out that tape at the conclusion of that song. She was a beautiful chick, talented beyond measure, holding her own with the fellas. (HEY MIRROR!) Then she dropped that got danged album, that gorgeous lush masterpiece. I aint care she told yall to stop wearing weaves. But I did care that her and Mary tore some wack ass dude to shreds. And that she had a joy in her life called Zion. And that she wanted to tell him to let her be patient and to let her be kind and to make her unselfish without her being blind. I cared. Lawd, did I care. I even cared about the follow up – 20 tracks of the same song. Cried like a baby to that album. Why? I dunno. Probs cuz she was crying thru the entire thing. Sadly, it was pretty much all downhill from there. Missed performances, erratic appearances, jail, NO MUSIC, lawsuits, chick started being late for everydamnthing she could. Still I bought the tickets for the concert and hoped against hope – slightly excited at the prospect of seeing them perform “If I Ruled the World”. NAS came on – ripped it (I guess, my friend looked happy) – he did sing his songs with Amy Winehouse, which was enough for me. He performed first, which I’m guessing he was not planning to do, being the headliner and all, but….yall know why. Wrapped up his tight lil set and took his leave. 3 days later, she emerged, clearly not herself, singing songs foreign to our ears, and from the looks on the confused faces of her background singers, foreign to their ears as well. 10 minutes later, we left. As we walked down the street, he said to me “I wished she sang ‘Ex-Factor.’ It broke my heart to tell him that she did. It was just unrecognizable. Never again. NOT EVER will I pay to see her. A free concert would be a tough sell for me. So when Amissah, hit me so full of life and asked “Lauryn? Ravinia?” I couldn’t curse her ass out quick enough for asking me such a dumb ass question. And bout a month later, Lauryn proved me right. She kept fans waiting in Atlanta over two hours, to watch her “perform” after spending their hard earned money on Groupon tickets to see her NOW wack ass. (click the link. I aint lying. You can also find lil Kim tickets there. Okay, now I’m lying.). I heard the performance was dope, but short due to time restrictions at the outdoor venue. A video posted on social media saw a fan taking her to task about her lateness. She told him her driver got lost. He said “bitch, you were at the 4pm sound check. I heard you. I live across the street. Fuck you.” I made up part of that, but that’s what he really wanted to say. Or that’s what I would have wanted to say. The sound check and him living across the street is for true. Atlanta is as big as your thumbnail and if you live mentally or physically in 2016, which is questionable about her, and have GPS, it’s even smaller. You can’t get lost. People were admittedly outraged and took their voices to the world wide web, which prompted her to respond in kind. From Ms. Hill’s Facebook: “I don’t show up late to shows because I don’t care. (Seems that way.) And I have nothing but Love and respect for my fans. (This is a lie. ‘Memba the House of Blues in Chicago? You don’t owe us anything. ‘Memba, Lauryn. Guess we should be thankful and grateful you were only 1.5 hours late that time.) The challenge is aligning my energy with the time, taking something that isn’t easily classified or contained, and trying to make it available for others.” (WAIT, JUST A FUCKIN MINUTE) You telling me, I, who must work for my money, need to extend patience to you for you to align your energies in order for you to appear somewhere you charged me my aforementioned money to see you? How bout dis? Wait til your on/off switch is set to on. Get open, rested, do whatever you need to do to feel “sensitive and liberated” then do a free concert in the park and promote it on Facebook. Don’t sell tickets and waste my time and money, muthafucka. I’m over being miseducated by you.