Insecure

Dear Tasha,  I apologize. I still don’t really like you.  And your face still looks like you had some development issues in utero, but I am sorry for looking at you thru main chick eyes instead of just regular ol’ trying-to-make-it-the-best-way-we-know-how woman eyes.  XOXO, M.  With that unpleasantness out the way…. Lawasha And as quick as she came…Tasha, (no Trasha this week) is gone.  “Mya? What she did to kick herself out a relationship,” you ask?  She responded in kind to a man that acted like he wanted a relationship. HOW DUMB IS SHE to believe someone wants to be with her just ‘cuz he acting like he wants to be with her?! Stupid heffa.  It’s always enjoyable to see a man run from a woman once she’s out of a thong and in a head scarf.  Big funbags and a donk aren’t so fun when it wants to start cuddling while watching the House that Shonda Built on Thursday nights instead of popping it for a real…fucknword.  At the family bbq he saw he was bigger in her life than she was in his and it became clear that Tasha and her clan were not what Lawrence wanted for his life. Hell, even before then he told his co-workers that he had to “pick up some chairs” as opposed to attending his “girl’s” family que when they inquired bout his Saturday plans.  He makes a quick exit out of the bbq, telling the trusting Tasha that he has some work shit he needs to handle, then he kisses her goodbye – literally. He links up with his work folks, while poor Tasha texts him inquiring about his return to the festivities.  He finally takes her call and tells her she ain’t what he wants.  She rightfully calls bullshit and tells him what SO many men need to hear.  YOU ARE NOT A GOOD DUDE.  You are the worse.  A BAD DUDE THAT THINKS HE IS A GOOD DUDE.  Fucknword ass, Fucka.   Bye Tasha…I’m sure all the men will enjoy watching you walk away. Issa on the Stroll Since being freed by Molly’s reveal that Lawrence doesn’t want her, our girl is trying her best to ensure that her pussy doesn’t get broken.  We open the show with her in flagrante delecto with Johnnie Gill and his weird fingers.  After awkwardly fucking that up and getting zero action at the club where Molly takes her to hoe, she still needs to get that monkey off her back.  She goes home and we see one of the saddest moments in a woman life. Sadder than the loss of a first love.  Sadder than the moment she finds out she’s gonna bleed for the next 30 years of her life.  Sadder than seeing what micros do to your edges. Sadder than the stylist saying you still ain’t dry. The moment the batteries in your battery operated device betray you.  I dropped one lone gangsta tear at the sight of her rummaging for any power source she could find. Not to be defeated, our scrappy heroine refocuses and sets her sights on who can be a lady’s best friend: the hood boo.  Her neighbor, Dontcarehisname, has been looking like a Ritz cracker to a famished person and she concocts a way to get into his bed for the most cringe worthy start to a romp EVER.  First, he’s watching Gossip Girl.  Second, the removal of their clothes is a tragedy.  Third, and I want the fellas to lean in on this, he wants her legs to go into a direction that legs don’t normally go and for her head to be okay with being banged repeatedly into wood.  THIS IS NOT FUN FOR US. I’m not speaking for all women, but like 97% of them, who watched that scene and said “I hate that shit.”  But Ol Dontcare, got it together and she rode him into the sunset.  Issa leaves his house beaming….as her phone alerts her to her next bustdown. Session Notes: Raphael Saadiq’s music is the fourth lead on this show.  This man dug “Let’s Play House” out the crates.  Bless. JIDENNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.  Listen my love for him is true and deep.  I left my house at 11:30 post meridian to see him sing five songs at a Lollapalooza Aftershow, so you know it’s real.  When “Trampoline” came on in the club scene, I literally forgot I had to take notes.  I had to rewind that shit three times before I finally stopped dancing and started to pay attention. I see you, Myolly.  Yes. MYOLLY, that’s what I’m calling me and her. I see her tho. Oh, the sting of seeing that other woman get the help she so desperately needs from the person she so desperately wants it from. Ouch. Out here struggling on her own, but still not willing to settle. Delta Sigma Theta Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade.  #badIssa Did Issa Rae & Co. really cast the black dude  that y’all be crying over every week as Molly’s date?  OKKKKKKKKKK! My heart stopped a brief moment when Issa almost passed out from the paint.  lol MOLLY: WE DO NOT TURN DOWN SZA TICKETS Editor’s Note:  I have asked not one, but TWO men, to join me on this ride in an attempt to provide an alternate view, altho I’ve heard enough bullshit from men that I could probably write it myself.  But, they did to me, what Lawrence did to Tasha….ghosted. SHOCKING RIGHT?  #dontatme Whatchall think?

“You hongry?” NOT AS MUCH AS YOU ARE THIRSTY, YOU THIRSTY SAHARA SPIRITED ARID TONGUED HEFFA! Got my pressure up and shit with that shit.  I hate this chick I hate this chick I hate this chick, Bart Simpson on the chalkboard level hate this chick. With that out the way, let’s discuss our Insecurities, shall we?  Cuz I know I saw some of mine, personal and professional – acted out on that screen last night. Lawrissa  So after this dude came and slipped her the hot beef injection, he has her on virtual radio silence.  She tried to sell it to her girls, ‘cept Molly, that they had a nice talk and are on the road to recovery. Cuz that’s what “after we break up sex” is, right ladies? A true blue indication that a man loves us above all others.  Swoon. Especially when he doesn’t even bother to call you after the dirty deed. This leads to fave Kelly revealing that our boyfriend is/was seeing some trick. And we know who that most hated heffa is don’t we?  Doing her very best Mya impersonation, Molly whips out her phone and three seconds later is on Trasha’s IG account. Swear that’s me. Seriously. Malibu. You give me a first name and partial hairstyle and I’m gonna find a bitch. ANY BITCH. Issa tries to act all above it, like she can’t be bothered to look at or show interest in her adversary.  But in them quiet alone moments, she is all of us….dying to not look at the page, but willing to die to see it.  She falls down the most brutal rabbit hole ever, starting at IG and ending on LinkedIn. She learns that Trasha works at Lawrence’s bank and goes down there to confront her…….or something.  In an obvious dream sequence, she “jalapeno pops” the fuck out of ol girl, but in reality, she literally falls back in her seat as Trasha walks by and then gets admonished by a parking lot cop for looking like she was sleeping in her car.  For shame.  She dispatches Molly to get some intel from Lawrence, who tells her that he has no interest in reuniting with Issa (or did he?). This leads our heroine to take back her life.  She spreads her clothes out in her closet.  She moves her pillow from “her side” to the middle of the bed.  And most importantly, she hits up the dating app of her choice and flies her freak flag. Lawasha I legit need to hire someone to write this part of the recap, cuz I just hate old girl so much.  But, I’ll try.  There she is, at her thirsty best, basic cable and chillin with a man who could care less about her outside her box.  He’s noticeably distracted, which her thirst really won’t let her see.  She’s so geeked up at her “conquest” that this bitch wanna start handing out invites to family affairs! Bitch don’t nobody want that sweet assed spaghetti!  Sit down and listen to K.dot.  She might as well have sprayed this nigga with thirstbucket repellent, cuz no sooner than she invites him to the fam bam, he tells her he slept with Issa. FACE CRACK. Well, even Stevie Wonder saw that coming – but Trasha?  Nope.  She’s so butt hurt, and I’m so happy, y’all. She thinks he should go, while I think he should have never come – either way. He does leave, but in his ever present weakened state, returns to apologize.  Like most trash, she offers the only thing she can beyond her box, which she is too prideful at the moment to offer, food.  “You Hongry?”  Of course he is, Trasha.  Weak niggas are always hungry. Molly I hope the next test I take on FB is “What Insecure character are you?”  I’m gonna get Molly for certain.  This was another segment of the show that spoke directly to me, as a woman grinding, surviving and thriving in corporate America.  Still smarting over the white boy earning more than her, Molly takes a different approach.  She’s not gonna be passive aggressive.  She’s not gonna go to HR. She’s not gonna go in the bathroom and cry.  She’s gonna be pro-active and bust up in that boys club.  She wrangles her way into the corporate suite at a hockey game and gets ta codeswitching. This is me. This is so many of us.  Watching her try to fit in – to find common ground with these old unbothered white men, to be noticed – was painful to watch, but she handled that shit like a G.  I’m sure she left out of that game floating…only to return to work with a resounding crash to earth.  Now da bossman doesn’t know her, doesn’t get the jokes they JUST shared, and makes her feel like shit for even trying.  Again, been there.  I’m rooting for her tho.    She found them bootstraps and pulled them up and will now be splitting her time between LA and Chicago, to work on a case with a woman that was just banished there from the LA office.  Molly is smart and capable, like SOMEONE WE KNOW VERY WELL AND SEE IN THE MIRROR EACH MORNING, so I know she’s gonna work this shit out in her favor – cuz black girls are magic. We Got Y’all An old black man was acting like an old black man much to a young white woman’s chagrin.  But hey, that old black man got some kids up in their program, so……suck it young white woman. Session Notes: Issa’s Last Poets sweater, tho. Mane n’ Tail got name dropped. This show is definitely written by black people, for everyone, but super shouts to black folks. “You hear that Brian McKnight?  Two bedrooms.  One for your sleeping, one for your feelings.”  Dude’s a dick in the best way. Raphael Saadiq is beasting on this soundtrack.  But what else would he do? How

Dear Myalogists, I do watch more than Power. And to prove it, we are gonna start recapping a show we should have recapped loooooong ago, when its creator, ISSA RAE, begged me too.  Or maybe I told her excitedly that I was gonna recap her show, like she should give a fuck, and she was like “oh, okay….you, uh, you should,” as she inched away from me nervously. We girls, tho….call me, when you read this, mama! I’m not sure how this is gonna go, as the show isnt super plot intensive like the saga on Starz, but its too close to home to not do anything, so week to week, it could be anything!  Could be a Win/Loss Tally. Could be 5 questions.  Could be 1 long ass question…just lets go on this ride together! So, for Issa….. Insecure is back! The show that made so many black girls see themselves or their friends returned to form Sunday night!  If you don’t watch, Ill do you a quick solid.  Watch this:     Lawrissa Okay good.  So our Awkward Black Girl is still awkward as fuck.She goes on several horrible dates that we have all been on as we wait for our honorable boyfriends to return to us after they found out we had lunch with a male co-worker from seven jobs ago and felt horribly betrayed and cheated on even tho they always sticking their dic—I mean after a bad breakup in which you miss them terribly. Just passing the time, ordering steaks and an extra dessert for lil man man…..But we all know that those dates are poor substitutes.  Issa tries desperately to connect with Lawrence,  texting him bout his Uno cards, seeing if he wants to come by and grab his old Best Buy badge, and asking if he wants the one sock she found in her panty drawer.  But Lawrence is still hurt and STILL FUCKING THAT CHICK THAT LOOKS LIKE EVERY CHICK I HAVE HATED IN LIFE, while wearing out his and his air mattress’s welcome at his boy Chad’s house.  He’s not biting anything Issa casts before him and maintains his cool distance…til he cant.  As luck would have it, a jury summons arrives for Lawrence and Issa finally has her in!  He says he will come by after work the following day.  GOT’EM! Upon being told by Molly that men only want you when you have another dick inside you when you are doing well, Issa decides to throw a raging “winedown” where everyone brangs a frand and gets blasted on Rossi.  She watches the door all night, hoping that he will appear, but he doesn’t show up because he’s on a date with Ugh….but wait!  He does come, after the party and after his date when she and her apartment is looking fuckT (that’s when they love us tho, right ladies?!) She meekly opens the door.  He meekly retrieves his things.  And then he unmeekly throws: her down; and his dick in her. WOWZA.  I felt that one y’all.  What I also felt was that quick cum and pull out kiss on the forehead and nervous exit.  Take me to heaven and then plunge me to hell!  You muthafucka you. Molly is Only White In Name Our b-plot brings us our favorite sidekick and Lil Rel Howrey!  Our hometeam is doing big things out here!  Saving black folks from the Sunken Place, repping his TSA set and now playing a co-worker of Molly’s who I HOPE we will see all season long.  Molly accidentally opens a white male co-workers check and sees that he’s making way more than her.  Raise your hand if you can relate. Is that every black woman reading this at this very moment whose hands I see?  Remind me one day to tell you how a man was hired for a job “somewhere” where he doesn’t know how to execute all of his responsibilities, yet had his superior tell his team member, don’t worry, I’ll do it for him. Yeah.  Anyhoo…that was all going on with her.  Oh, she took Issa’s suggestion to heart, she is now seeing a therapist who has zero time for her issues. Lawasha – doesn’t exist anywhere other than her head.  And good because Tasha LOOKS LIKE EVERY CHICK I HAVE HATED IN LIFE.  She’s so thirsty.  So ready.  So loving.  So supportive.  So ill-equipped to deal with the fire and brimstone that’s bout to rain down on her thirsty assed life.  Lawrence spends his weekends blowing her back out, but wont buy her a taco.  HOW SAD.  Barf. Sitting there with her hounddog sad fucking eyes begging to go out on a Thursday.  UGH.  She represents EVERYTHING I hate in a woman and if you relate to her, I hate your ass too.  It looks like she may win – briefly – since Lawrence’s ass took her out on a date.  But I’ll spend every Sunday praying on her downfall.   Doctor’s Notes Could anyone else watch a show about Kelly and Issa’s Blood Neighbor? That old lady told Issa her ankles were ashy. Regina Hall aint just gonna show up on a show inside our show, is she?  LOVE HER. “Zaddy” is played…let it go. First one of you black women to host/invite me to a winedown – DIES.